There’s no place like home: the marvellous land of Christian parenting books

Sandra had just become a mother. Though she had been a Christian for many years, she was completely shell-shocked by the continual demands of her new baby, and felt quite out of her depth. There was so much she didn’t know, and she felt like a failure, even though Kyle was only three weeks old. Other people’s babies were sleeping through already, but Kyle wasn’t. It was the following Sunday that one of the other mothers at church lent Sandra a book, which hinted that if she just followed The Program with Kyle, he would not only sleep through, but become a Christian when he grew up …

In true pop-Christian fashion, I am beginning with an invented anecdote and will now proceed to generalise from it. Parents in our culture don’t seem to cope very well with the chaos that babies bring, and I believe they often respond by trying to seize control of as much as they can. I hear questions like: How many breastfeeds a day should my two-month-old be having, and how long should they go for? When should I change from one meal of solids a day to two? Behind such questions lies the feeling that there is only one right answer, and that any mistake will scar the child for life—which means there can be no such thing as a small decision in child-rearing.

The Christian version of the quest for perfection in child-rearing drives us not to our knees, but to the local Christian book shop. The plethora of Christian parenting manuals sell like hot cakes. In reading the books for this article, I have felt like a sort of anti-Dorothy: I am in Kansas, but I really belong to Oz. It’s partly that all the books are written for the American Bible-Belt while I’m a non-Bible-Belt Aussie; I have certainly felt as if I were in a foreign country, as even the Bible is used differently.

The first question to ask of a Christian book is whether its arguments from Scripture are valid, and unfortunately I didn’t find any book consistently applying the Bible well. Stevens and Banks’ Thoughtful Parenting, for example, is made up of what it claims are “concise, readable summaries of biblical teaching … on topics critical to parents”. The results seem patchy; I’m unconvinced that menstruation is principally “a type of sabbath”.

The breastfeeding article in Thoughtful Parenting suffers from being written from a single cultural standpoint, for instance, devoting a whole column to ‘modesty’ (a topic which has been on the agenda in the Australian parliament recently thanks to a breastfeeding MP). The article contains a few minor errors in fact; however, it is unlikely that this book would be a new mother’s first source of information on the subject.

Thoughtful Parenting is thought-provoking background reading rather than a compendium of answers. It has, however helped me identify the schools of thought that underlie current fashions in the discipline of children. The methods advocated in Christian parenting manuals are, without exception, ‘baptised’ secular methods. While it may seem odd that no particular school of thought seems to sit better with the Christian world-view than others, it gives us a wide choice of child-rearing methods, many of which seem to ‘work’ reasonably well for raising children into responsible adults.

In this light, I find the opening chapter of John MacArthur’s ambitiously titled What the Bible Says About Parenting a bit hysterical. Yes, Christian parenting is “under attack”, but Hillary Clinton is hardly the new Nero! MacArthur’s book does have many good points. There is a wise and practical chapter that deals with presenting the gospel to your children, and very thorough chapters on the different roles of father and mother. MacArthur also goes into some detail about various ways in which children can be “provoked to anger” (Eph 6:4), though I found it odd that he didn’t include religious hypocrisy there.

The book also asserts that corporal punishment is a necessary part of biblical parenting (p. 153). The Proverbs cited as proof-texts actually contrast discipline with neglect, rather than corporal punishment with other disciplinary methods. MacArthur’s use of the Old Testament is shaky in places; he has a tendency to use Old Testament characters purely as object lessons (e.g., look how Isaac’s favouritism of Esau turned out).

MacArthur believes that certain psychiatric conditions are just “high-sounding clinical terms” for sinful behaviour (pp. 86-87). I am disturbed that his list includes ADD/ADHD and bipolar disorder. Both of these disorders, at least, are associated with abnormalities of brain function, and both can be managed with medication. I don’t believe the same is true of sin!

Tedd Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart starts off in the expected fashion of pop-Christian books: “Jennifer was failing to do her homework …” and continues according to tradition by announcing that our culture has lost its way with respect to parenting and that Scripture will provide us with the cateogories and ideas to reclaim parenting. He then goes on to use suspiciously modern-sounding terms, like “shaping influences” and “rich, full communication”. Useful terms, but are they Scriptural?

Tripp’s book seemed to be more what I was looking for in a Christian parenting book. It does have two great strengths: firstly, it has a very clear sense that “the central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment of themselves as sinners”, and that “the cross of Christ must be the central focus of your childrearing” (p. 123). No other book I have seen is quite so explicit, though one might expect it to be at the heart of all Christian books. Secondly, no other book I have seen asks such penetrating questions of the reader at the end of each chapter: “How has [your] culture impacted your view of children and your goals for your children?” (p. 50). The book might be worth buying for the questions alone!

Despite its good points, Shepherding a Child’s Heart has left a bad taste in my mouth. Partly, it’s the claim that “the rod” ought to be the primary method of punishment (p. 148). As “the rod” is used in Proverbs to express the idea of discipline, it must be one of the methods allowed to Christian parents, but does that make it the chief method? Actually, Tripp’s guide to “Christian smacking” is a good one, but he believes in smacking even infants: “Rebellion can be something as simple as an infant struggling against a diaper change” (p. 154). At that age, the baby doesn’t yet understand that Mummy exists even when he can’t see her—is rebelliousness really plausible? It also seems a bit pointless to smack someone who can’t grasp cause and effect anyway, to say nothing of the risk of serious injury to such a tiny body!

I also have an uneasy feeling that, in practice, Tripp’s concentration on sinfulness causes the idea of redemption to disappear. For example, Tripp says that the “Training Objective” for the 0-5-year-old is to learn “that he is an individual under authority” (p. 133). I think that’s the Marines, Tedd. Will the child brought up Tripp’s way be driven to the Cross, or just driven to despair because he is never good enough for his parents? Tripp asserts, “the alternative is to give them a law they can keep.” (p. 124). I don’t think it’s as stark as that. It is quite possible for a well-behaved child to understand that they fall short of God’s standards, even if they do well in human terms.

The Bible’s commands provide Christians with a theoretical background for child-rearing, which MacArthur and Tripp both cover. However, many aspects of child-rearing are not covered directly by the Bible. For example, should babies be picked up when they cry, or will it spoil them? The last two books I read attempted to answer such questions. Because they go beyond the Bible, we must check not only the validity of their arguments against Scripture, but consider more general question of objectivity. Objectivity means that the author is trying to persuade you through reasoned argument from the Bible or other research.

At this point, I must also explain that parenting styles can be divided into theory-driven and ‘toolkit’ approaches. Theory-driven approaches rely on an external child-rearing theory, complete of itself. The Ezzos’ Parent-Directed Feeding is an example. Theory-driven approaches have two main problems: firstly, they do not allow for individual differences in parents or children. Secondly, they lend themselves to a kind of authoritarianism where parents judge themselves and other parents on how closely they stick to the system. I suspect Christian parents—particularly micro-managment-prone ones—can easily fall into this trap if convinced that their program is The One True Way.

The ‘toolkit’ approach, on the other hand, relies on the parents identifying a problem and looking for a technique to solve it. Because it is not lifestyle-centred, it can lead to inconsistency in the parents’ discipline. We all carry within us a set of personal beliefs about child-rearing, which will prevent us from adopting methods that don’t fit us well.

Parenting and Child Care: A guide for Christian Parents is closer to the ‘toolkit’ approach. Like the other Christian writers, Sears writes of three fundamentals for successful family life: “(1) commitment to a God-centred life, (2) a stable and fulfilled Christian marriage, and (3) spiritual leadership [by fathers]” (p.25). He advocates the “attachment parenting” (AP) style, a term he coined. In brief, AP postulates that physical closeness between parents and child in infancy translates to emotional closeness (“attachment”) later.

It encourages this closeness through two-way communication, for example, a prompt response to cries, and child-led breastfeeding and weaning.1 Christian aspects of AP include prenatal bonding via prayer, a high view of the role of fathers and a protective attitude towards mothers. Ultimately, Sears believes: “If a child has learned trust, discipline and love from his parents, he will be prepared to transfer these concepts to God” (p.xxi). There is good advice on family devotions, and thebook deals broadly with many topics of interest to Christian parents, while still covering the basics of infant care.

Refreshingly, Sears believes that attachment parenting is God’s design, but doesn’t twist Bible verses to ‘prove’ it. He admits freely that AP is based on observing what worked in practice, and always makes clear when he is presenting his opinion, as distinct from commonly-accepted medical knowledge (which is usually just stated). While Sears’ website presents AP as a ‘toolkit’ method, it is possible to strike ‘more-AP-than-thou’ parents, who are actually treating it as a theory-based method.

Sears’ handling of the Bible concerns me. For example, he gives a fine list of verses about loving God and our children, but then suggests that their order in the Bible implies a temporal order in our lives. I don’t believe that “taking authority over Satan in Jesus’ name” is a biblical practice either. Worse still is the assertion that “within the child’s nature is a bent toward good and a bent toward evil. It is up to Christian parents to unbend their child’s tendency toward evil” (p. 321). This is definitely not my understanding of total depravity! Despite this, there is much that is attractive and useful in the book.

In his discussion of discipline, Sears points out the importance of realistic expectations of toddler behaviour, which is a nice change. He focusses on children’s need for limits and the importance of delayed gratification for character development. Sears sees corporal punishment as a last resort when parental authority is under attack. His plan for Christian smacking is very similar to Tripp’s, despite their different expectations of toddler behaviour.

The last book on the list, Preparation for Parenting, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, is the oddest Christian parenting book I have read.2 Most Christian parenting books want to teach children about Jesus. This one gets you feeding your child on a schedule. Is that really “preparation for parenting”? The secular version, Babywise, is popular in Christian bookshops. Why are Christian parents buying the secular version of the program? And isn’t something wrong when a Christian’s highest aim is to have their baby ‘sleep through’ at eight weeks?

Preparation for Parenting claims that “With PDF [short for Parent-Directed Feeding], a mother feeds her baby when he is hungry, but takes advantage of the first few weeks to guide the baby’s hunger patterns by a basic routine.” (p. 43). How you achieve the routine is unstated; I presume that the baby is left to cry if he becomes hungry or wakes at the wrong time.

An earlier Briefing article covered the deficiencies in the Ezzos’ use of the Bible, and nothing has changed.3 Sadly, the book also uses persuasion through fear rather than reason in its arguments. The most glaring example is the contrast between two fictitious babies. Stevie, who has the AP parents, is a spoilt, fussy, colicky thug who pushes other children off the swings, and his mother has post-natal depression. They just can’t do anything right. Amazingly, there are no disadvantages to the PDF method, and Ryan is a compliant, giving child, with happy parents!

When considering books on child-rearing, we look at how they treat the Bible first, but we also ought to know whether their information goes against current medical advice. PDF is based on outdated beliefs about the physiology of mothers and babies. Scheduled feeding methods have been abandoned by breastfeeding advocates not because they subscribe to attachment parenting, but because the physiology of breastfeeding is better understood than it once was, and they know demand-feeding is works better. Accurate information about breastfeeding is readily available. Why do the Ezzos ignore it?

Rather than debunk every error in PFP, I urge women who want to breastfeed not to buy the book in the first place, and to seek information and support from the Australian Breastfeeding Association, the World Health Organisation and other reputable sources. For a list of the unsubstantiated medical claims made in Babywise (very similar to Preparation For Parenting), see http://www.ezzo.info/Aney/unsub.htm.

It seems the definitive Christian parenting book has yet to be written. I would love to see a book that examined the Scripture passages in greater depth and dealt with issues like infant baptism and covenant theology as well as corporal punishment. I think the Christian public also need to change. We have a tendency to seek answers where we should expect only guidance. If the Good Lord has really given us only one right way to raise children, why is it so hard to find in Scripture? I will now tap my ruby slippers together and return to pragmatic Oz, using a variety of parenting methods, without pretending they are particularly Christian. And I’ll pray and trust God. I could do a lot worse!

Endnotes

1 More details can be found at http://askdrsears.com.

2 The Ezzos’s books have recently been reissued with new names. This article was written before these books (and accompanying videos) were available. See the Growing Families international website for details: www.gfi.org.

3 T. Payne, ‘The ethics of Ezzo’, Briefing #224.

Books Reviewed:

Ezzo, Gary & Anne Marie. Preparation for Parenting: Bringing order to your baby’s day and restful sleep to your baby’s night. Micah 6:8, Simi Valley, California, 1998.

MacArthur, John. What the Bible Says About Parenting. W Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee, 2000.

Sears, William. Parenting and Child Care: A guide for Christian Parents (rev. ed). Thomas Nelson, Nashville, 1991. 2nd rev. edition (Broadman & Holman, 1997) now available with the new title, The Complete Book of Christian Parenting: a medical and moral Guide to raising happy, healthy children.

Stevens, R Paul, & Robert Banks (eds). Thoughtful parenting: a manual of wisdom for home and family. InterVarsity Press, Downer’s Grove, Illinois, 2001.

Tripp, Ted. Shepherding a child’s heart. Shepherd Press, 1995.

Comments are closed.