From as far back as I can remember, I’ve been the kind of person who feels a strong desire to please people. I want their approval and praise for the things I do. Sometimes I’ve even wondered if I have a kind of addiction to the brain chemicals that come with receiving affirmation and acclaim! Mark Twain famously said that he could “live for two months on a good compliment”; I’m not sure I could last that long, but I can certainly relate to the sentiment.
The Bible warns us in many places against the dangers of this type of attitude. It’s a complicated issue, of course; affirmation and approval are nice things to get, and it’s not wrong to enjoy them. Luke is not making a criticism of the early church (or of Jesus himself!) when he says that they experienced the ‘favour’ of the people (Luke 2:52, Acts 2:47). And there is a sense in which trying to please everyone is exactly what we ought to be doing as Christians as part of seeking their good and ultimately their salvation, as well as the glory of God (1 Cor 10:33).
But to live for the approval of others—to seek it as if it was a basic need—to be addicted to it—is a dangerous mindset that almost inevitably ends up overshadowing and displacing the desire to please God. (See, for example, the warnings and reminders in passages like John 5:44, John 12:43, 1 Cor 4:5, Gal 1:10, 1 Thess 2:4 and Eph 6:6.)
Recently I found myself thinking about my desire for human approval and the way that I feel the pull to be a people-pleaser more strongly in some relationships than others. It’s partly, of course, about the status and position of the other person; our sinful human hearts value the praise and approval of the powerful, beautiful and popular more than we value the praise and approval of the nobodies. But even when I’ve made a generous allowance for that variable, I think there are still some people whose approval and disapproval I worry about more than others.
As I analyzed the reason for this, it set me wondering whether there was something in the way those people related to me that contributed to me feeling that way, and whether I, in turn, might be relating to others in the same way. The phenomenon I noticed was how full some people’s speech is with the language of approval and disapproval—how instinctively and habitually some people seem to set themselves up as arbiters, adjudicators and evaluators of those around them. In some cases (though not always!), I buy right into their expectation, and start responding like a performing seal in the hope that they’ll throw me a fish or two from time to time. This, in turn, encourages them to keep throwing fish, and so the cycle rolls on.
When that dismal and dangerous pattern begins to assert itself, what do I need to remind myself of? Here are a few thoughts I’ve had, just for starters, but I’d love to hear your additions to the list:
- I need to remember that God is the judge; it is his praise and approval that matters. He is the one whose ‘well done’ is what really counts (e.g. Matt 25:14-30, 2 Cor 5:9), and I am absolutely secure in his ‘beloved one’ Jesus, in whom he is well pleased (e.g. Luke 3:22, Eph 1:3-14).
- I need to remember not to put all the blame for my own sinful thought patterns on the approval and disapproval-giving behaviours of others—especially since (in some contexts, at least) judging, punishing and commending is exactly what people are called to do as part of the job God has given them (e.g. Rom 13:3).
- I need to watch my own speech, repent of the times when I talk, glorifying myself as if I have been appointed as some sort of talent show judge over the performances of other Christians (1 Cor 4:5). I need to practice the God-glorifying arts of loving rebuke and sincere thankfulness (e.g. Gal 6:1, Eph 1:16, 5:4, Phil 1:3, Col 1:3).
Any other ideas? And any suggestions for us parents about how to train our children well without making them addicted to our own approval?
Nicole,
Thank you for writing this. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I appreciate your candour and challenge.
Thanks for your article Nicole.
I think this touches on a real nerve for many, especially those of us who are in public gospel ministry roles where such motivations can be exposed.
As I see it, it has much to do with being loved by those who are significant in our life. Do we need to earn their love towards us? Is their loved conditioned on winning their approval by achieving the standards they set for us?
With God, we know that his love towards us who are in Christ is unconditional (while we were yet his enemies God loved us). God’s love is not something that can be earned by achieving his righteous requirements.
Consequently, knowing God’s love, knowing that he has justified us sinners, we seek to please him NOT in order to earn his love but out of thanksgiving for his gracious love toward us. By the Spirit, we want to please him, not out of fear of disapproval, but with deep gratitude in our hearts.
Likewise, I believe, with the love of our parents – if it is unconditional love, we know that we are loved even if we live in a way that they disapprove of. If, on the other hand, it is love conditioned on achieving their requirements for us, then we will not have the security that comes from knowing that we have their love despite the ways in which we will inevitably disappoint them. Without such security, we will be forever seeking to earn their love by earning their approval. This will shape the way we relate in all of our relationships – ‘people will love me if I earn their approval’.
As a parent, I want my children to know that I will love them despite their performance. There are (and will be many more) times when they do things that don’t earn my approval, yet, with God’s help, I will still love them, knowing that the Lord loves me despite my constant failing of him.
I never want my children to think that I will love them only if they perform at school, behave at church, achieve on the sporting field, and so on.
I pray that such love will compel them to live in a way I approve of, not motivated by fear of not being loved, but out of trust and reciprical love.
Most of all, it will be their Heavenly Father’s perfect love for them that will compel them to live in a way worthy of the Lord. And, if by God’s grace they are compelled by his love to live to please him, then they will have my full approval as well as my love.
P.S. For the record – I am greatful to God for the unconditional love my parents showed me. I certainly tested their love, bringing them major disappointment in periods of my life.
Thanks for your thought-provoking post, Nicole! It made me think of Romans 2:29: “But a Jew is one inwardly, and circumcision is a matter of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter. His praise is not from man but from God”; It is indeed a problem if we seek the praise of men instead of the praise of God.
Regarding “how to train our children well without making them addicted to our own approval”, reading your post made me think of the research I’ve done into children of divorce—how many of them end up craving parental approval because they internalise the reason for their parents’ divorce: they think “If I had been a good boy/girl, Mummy/Daddy wouldn’t have left” even though it’s not true. That, coupled with the poor relationship many divorced parents have with their children post-divorce, contributes to the insecurity that children of divorce feel when it comes to relationships—i.e. their parents left them, so why not everyone else? Approval-seeking behaviour then becomes both a small way of trying to take control of the uncontrollable (i.e. “If I’m good, no-one will leave me.”) as well as a way of fulfilling the craving children of divorce feel for love and attention (particularly those who ended up being neglected by their parents post-divorce).
Sorry, those were some very convoluted sentences!
Anyway, reading about all of that made me ponder good parenting practices. I’m not a parent myself, but I’ve been thinking that good parenting in this area touches on a lot of what @Scott Tarrant said—about unconditional love and acceptance the way the Father loves and accepts, even in the face of your children’s sin. You don’t condone or excuse their sin, but you love them in spite of it, so they grow up knowing that, no matter what they have done, they are secure in your love and can always come home to it. That, I think, is one of the most powerful gifts that parents can give their children.
Thanks everyone for the comments!
I think you’re right about the importance of us as parents giving our children secure and dependable love (and raising our children within a home where they see secure and dependable love between their parents, too). Our kids need to know that there are things we (strongly) approve and disapprove of, but that our love for them doesn’t fluctuate from day to day, varying with our approval and disapproval of their actions.
And then, at a still deeper level, we need to model for our kids a love for God and a zeal for his glory and a confidence in his saving love for us. (As a side issue: I suspect that one of the worst dangers we can fall into as parents is the danger of letting our parenting be captive to our desire to be approved of and admired by others, rather than raising our kids for God’s glory…)
I think it’s right for kids to take pleasure in their parents’ approval and to feel pain at their parents’ disapproval – the aim is not to be so anaemic as parents that our kids never experience either. Rather, our aim should be teach our kids about (and model for them) the fear of God and the trust in his love that overcomes the danger that they will be enslaved by or addicted to our approval. (I’m very thankful for how my parents taught and modelled that for me.)
Thanks Nicole for raising this subject and thanks for all the excellent comments! As a parent with two young adult children I’ve entered a new stage in parent/child relationships, so it’s been interesting to look back and reflect on the things my husband and I did and said which might have made a difference to the kind of message our kids received about our love for them. Perhaps I could share a few humble practical suggestions?
Kids need to be told that you love them, and the best time is not when they’ve topped the class, or they’ve just broken the stereo (though it might help then). The best time to tell them is when it has no connection to anything they’ve done (just like God’s love for us). A spontaneous, joyful “I love you” accompanied by a quick hug or ruffling of the hair (whatever seems right) will put a spring in any child’s step. When they are very young, regularly reminding them that they are a treasure and a blessing from God is something that stays with them, helping them to feel doubly secure – in your love and God’s love. And my other tip: learn to say sorry to them when you mess up – sincerely and without excuses – acknowledging that what you did/said was wrong. I think this helps them to watch repentance in action, giving them a model to follow in their relationship with you and with the Lord. And they can see that relationships don’t have to end when people sin – they can still love each other.
Lee
Now Nicole,
I’m afraid you’ve earned my disapproval for this post—because I have a half-written post on a very similar theme sitting in my file, and I just haven’t managed to polish it off. And now you’ve beaten me to the punch, and gained all the nice appreciative comments from people that I was hoping to gain!
[Seriously, thanks for this. Great stuff. And rather than comment further here, I’ll get my one finished on the ‘fear of man’ and continue the conversation that way.]
TP
Tony, I’m looking forward to reading your post!
I think we have another manifestation of big-S Sin here: the desire to earn approval (not receive it) and thus to appear better than we are.
I’ve noticed there is a ‘right’ way to be a Christian woman, for example—chick-flicks and needlecraft! Blergh!
There seems to me too be a real danger of certain matters burdening some of us with a yoke of slavery. Reading Galatians is certainly part of the answer, but this is an issue I’ve been concerned about for a while. Sin is so deceitful and so entrenched, isn’t it?
I’d thoroughly recommend Chapter 2 of Tim Chester’s book “You Can Change”. He writes biblically and persuasively, but summed up in a few words it could be said:
Why do we want to change? Often to impress God, impress others, or impress myself. Instead we should remember our current status. Children of the Father. The bride of Christ. The temple of the Holy Spirit.
I can’t recommend the book strongly enough, so please read it to see this expanded.
Thanks Nick and Ellen.
Nick, I completely agree about <i>You Can Change</i>. I’m reading it at the moment and I suspect it was one of the things that made me think about this issue. It’s a great book.
And thanks Ellen for the reminder of how pervasive this issue can be for us and how serious it is as a “big S” Sin. A lot of the time these codes are (at least partly) in the eye of the beholder aren’t they. We see a group of people with a particular “style” and because we want their acceptance and approval, we mimic the style.
Of course, cultural and subcultural mores (eg. ways of expressing our created masculinity and femininity) should never be irrelevancies, but the big idea has to be loving others and glorifying God, rather than just fitting in.